Right Relationship Roles: How Not To Become Your Partner's Therapist*

*or life coach, counselor, consultant, healer, advisor, etc.

Have you ever been so transformed by a growth-oriented, psychological, spiritual or holistic practice that you became "The Prophet" for it?

And then you were able to diagnose when others’ ailments could and should be corrected by those practices or a specific practitioner? You’ve probably found yourself analyzing and diagnosing your significant other, hoping that he or she will listen to your diagnosis and change for the better.

This is NATURAL.

We want the best for the people we love. If it worked for us, it will work for them too, right? But it also can be ANNOYING and create distance.

You see, you may have a sense of what I learned in my early 30’s: Therapist / healer / life coach / (and especially parent) is the WRONG ROLE for intimate personal relationships.

Naturally, as a therapist myself, my relationships suffered from making this mistake (Thank you to my dear, dear friends in my 20s and early 30s for being my practice patients before I actually became a therapist). It took me a long time to understand the power dynamics that get set into motion when you become your partner's healer.

• Your partner’s vulnerability draws you into a state of feeling powerful

• Your partner in turn levels the playing field by abandoning you emotionally, physically or both

The really tricky thing about stepping into the role of being your significant other's life coach / therapist is that it’s not all bad. In fact, there are quite a few very nice aspects to it.

We live in a time where there is no shortage of universal wisdom at our fingertips. Why not share it when the sentiment fits? Plus, we all have natural talents as advisors and therapists. When you are able to use those talents to provide accurate analysis, good advice or rich reflections to your lover in a time of need, it feels GOOD. Personally, I love to help anyone I care about by providing assistance that helps lift their spirits and feel more hopeful. Additionally, when someone lets you into their growth process, you share a rich and sacred intimacy. You have impact.

And if you ARE a therapist, consultant or life coach, it’s tempting to analyze your friends, partners and loved ones. It’s part of who you are, and it is silly to think you can completely turn it off.

So why stop?

Because chronic therapizing, consulting or coaching in any non-professional relationship:

• Diminishes the person's sense of self

• Is a way of avoiding being loved

• Invites cycles of praise and rejection

• Bases your worth on your ability to be of service

• Sets the stage for later abandonment (when the person outgrows their need for you)

Also? Because being in a therapist / fixer role makes you into a parent figure, which is ultimately not sexy.

You can learn to step out of the therapist role into different kinds of relationship roles in order to love and truly be loved.

To break the cycle, I recommend exploring the following:

• What’s driving the compulsion to fix your partner

• The difference between observation and analysis

• The difference between reflecting and advising

• The mixed messages you send when you play therapist, coach, etc.

• How to recognize that you are playing therapist and what to do instead

Imagine: What would your relationships look like if you didn't feel the need to fix your partner?

It takes courage and self-worth to step into alternative roles. Instead of fixing someone, you can learn, like a good thought partner, to wonder besides them. Instead of analyzing, you can learn to observe and manage your feelings about the behavior that’s not working. You are allowed to insist your partner turn a corner if their problems are negatively impacting you and the relationship. But if you help them to do so, then you are stepping into a role that could backfire in the face of the intimacy you crave.

Take off the invisible "doctor is in" sign you perpetually broadcast. Instead of helping, try trusting in your partner’s innate resources to figure it out and get the help he or she needs.

Want to learn how to avoid this passion-squelching trap? If you are interested in learning about the right roles for intimacy and how to feel more satisfied in your intimate relationships, contact me for a free exploratory session.

I  teach people how to increase their Human Intelligence by playing effective roles in their personal and business relationships.  

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